Why Can’t I Have It All?

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I honestly don’t mean to complain. But I found myself complaining yet again about my body. I didn’t mean to, but it keeps bouncing around my head. I was fussing to my husband about how it just doesn’t seem fair... particularly because I can’t seem to have everything I want at once. Like, I can’t just get it all together once and for all. 

When I was blazing through my National Boards and rocking it at school, I felt other areas of my life slipping. I would often feel lonely and an empty longing for someone to share my life with. When I spent oodles of time preparing for and teaching fitness classes and running, weightlifting, and Crossfitting... well, by then I had a boyfriend (my now husband) and a fit body (still not perfect, but proud), but my spiritual life started slipping. Now I’m a wife and I feel like I’m growing as a Christian, but the work/life balance has become increasingly complicated, and my physical body/weight has DEFINITELY paid the price. Why won’t God just let me have my husband I prayed for, my finances in order, an exceptional reputation at work delivering perfect lessons and never dropping the ball, an ever-increasing spiritual walk, AND a kick-butt body???  It’s like I can have a few of the individual components, but not ALL of that at the same time. 

Well, by that time in my rant, he’d gotten out of the car (to pump gas or something, I think) and in that quiet moment all to myself, I got it. I suspect God won’t let me have it all because if I wasn’t longing for something more, I would forget to reach out for Him. It would be an easy form of idolatry to have all that at once because in my complete bliss, I would probably become overly confident or complacent and forget that I need Him on the daily (let’s face it... on the hourly). 

I felt shallow and small when I realized it. It hit me like a slap in the face. Yet, I still find myself thinking these same thoughts so often!  But I have to remember that it would not be in my best interest to be “perfect”. And God isn’t interested in me being perfect the way I think I want to be perfect. He wants me to be “perfect” IN HIM, perfect meaning complete. 

So, I suppose the best thing for me to do is to still practice that self-compassion and recognize that not every area of my life will bloom at the same time. Release the control I think I have and trust the journey I’m on. Work hard to cultivate what I want, but trust God anyway when it doesn’t seem to come together. Why is that so hard?  So here’s to actually REMEMBERING this and PRACTICING this thought every time that “not enough” feeling creeps in. If I were “enough”, I wouldn’t need God. And He’s too loving to let that happen. ❤️


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