Vulnerability & The Purpose of Suffering

I think it's only human to contemplate in our times of suffering, "Why is this happening to me?"  It's so easy to see things only through our limited lens of understanding, and it often only serves to remind us how small and insignificant we are in comparison to the universe.  I've thought that very question A LOT in my struggle with mental health issues over the past couple years.  I thought in my years after grad school that I had "achieved" a resting place in such a good head space that surely this would never happen to me!  Surely I'd seen the worst of depression and anxiety.  But that simply wasn't the case, and it certainly wasn't for lack of me trying to recover and get back to myself. 

Recently, I've been blessed with a season of healing, and my prayer is that my effort, the effort of my loved ones, and the care and practice of my health professionals continues to help me see better days in the future.  Some days are still a never-ending battle, it seems, and I have to really fight hard against the lies and wiles of the devil over the negative thoughts that have taken residency in the darkest parts of my mind.

But I've also been blessed with several moments of clarity that have given me insight into my suffering.  These moments aren't always easy to identify, and if we don't slow down, we can miss them altogether.  I know what I will say may sound a bit trite, but it has given my suffering purpose, and for that I'm grateful.

In the book I recently mentioned, Daring Greatly, author Brene Brown discusses a LOT about what is vulnerability and how it lies at the heart of every human experience.  We simply cannot achieve the love, connection, and joy we are seeking in life if we bury ourselves under masks of inadequacy and perfectionism (both of which are still an ongoing struggle for me).  I am certainly not as articulate as she, but she shares her findings over decades of interviews and research; she explains how "[v]ulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings.  To feel is to be vulnerable.  To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness.  To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living." Simply put, vulnerability is key - whether we like it or not - to unlocking the vast expanse of emotions and "wholehearted living" that we can enjoy while on this earth.  We have to "dare greatly" and be brave enough to let our guards down, take risks, and share with others to live fully and gain all we can from our human experience.  This builds connection, love, and relationships like nothing else can.  In its absence, we simply cannot reach that level of intimacy.

It's almost as though this message abounds all around me.  This message is especially true in my walk as a Christian.  In fact, who was more vulnerable than Jesus Himself?  In my Bible study and affirmations this week (something else I want to post on later...), I was struck by something Paul explained to the Philippians.  He tells them, "[f]or it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have" (Phil. 1:29-30).  Granted, there are plenty of times we suffer, and not all suffering is "for the sake of Christ" as Paul's was.  But it is suffering nonetheless, and it's uncomfortable, and we just want it to be over.  Repeatedly, Paul tells his brethren in Philippi how they are "partakers of grace" with him and how they are to be "like-minded" and "of one mind".  To me, that suggests the vulnerability of shared experiences and emotions. 

That said, I had some people (let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were trying to be helpful) who warned me against sharing my struggles so publicly.  Now, there have been times when - to be fair - I perhaps overshared, but I have tried to live my whole life as transparently as possible.  Authenticity is a core value to me.  So the more I've studied this vulnerability and connection concept, the more convinced I am of at least one purpose of suffering.  Because, you see, since I was vulnerable and shared my story and trials so openly, I've been blessed OVER AND OVER again through others.  SO MANY women have come to me seeking help, seeking reassurance, seeking validation because they too were experiencing some of the same feelings I was feeling, but they didn't know where to turn.  Now that I'm hopefully on a better path toward recovery and healing, I've been blessed to (hopefully) encourage other women through the same journey!  If I had listened to those who warned against my openness, if I had not been vulnerable, then (1) I wouldn't have been blessed with connections I've developed with other women and friends and (2) those women and friends wouldn't have a safe place to turn in their suffering! 

And I just think it's pertinent that I take a moment (if they're reading) to thank every woman who reached out to me in this way.  I won't mention names or situations, but you know who you are.  I hope I offered you enough grace, enough encouragement, and enough connection to help sustain you in those trying times.  I hope I remind(ed) you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and courageous every single day.  Thank you for giving purpose to my vulnerability and to my suffering.  Thank you for giving me that gift.  And I pray that you keep finding courage to fight your fights and know that I am always a safe space, a non-judgmental listening ear because I've certainly been there.  I love you.