Inside Bell's Brain

This post has been a long time coming.  Maybe four or five weeks now?  I don't know because I've truly lost track.  The hopes that 2021 would be kinder to us all were rather quickly shattered with the start of yet another chaotic and stressful January.  This appears to be the "new normal" of nearly everyone I know... But I digress... every year I've *tried* to declare a word.  A word to define the hopes, dreams, motivation, and purpose of the new twelve months before me.  Each year since probably somewhere circa 2015 or so, I've chosen a word... and I've done absolutely nothing with it.  I mean, very little, if anything.  So I was skeptical to choose another word for myself and have another failed year tick by.   I had already been thinking that *if* I were to select a word for this new year, it likely needed to be something related to an issue I struggle with tremendously: trust.  As I waged that inner "will I or won't I?" struggle...

I’ve lived pretty openly about my struggles with self-esteem. Perhaps too openly, but that’s not the point of this particular post.  A history of verbal abuse, rejection, insecurity and throw in some re-traumatization for good measure... that all makes for a perfectly *normal* traumatized young woman. (And I can’t emphasize the normal part enough. The more I’ve researched what happens to the brain and body through one’s healing journey, the more I’m convinced that I’m not defined by these feelings, but rather that these are things that happened to me that I’m working through. And my range of reactions is also perfectly normal based on what experts can tell us about the brain and body’s response to those traumas.)  That said, poor self image is exhausting and debilitating. It can be all-consuming, and it has the power to ignite an obsessive beast within.  With the help of my husband, I am still trying to reassemble all those broken pieces to figure out who this current ver...

This year, I’ve been participating in a scripture writing study with ladies from congregations all around.  It was created/designed by sister Carla Moore.  ( Check out her post and the download here!   You can see some of my pictures below, but keep scrolling to read more...) This week's reading had us focusing on the Day of Pentecost, the day of the birth of the church in Acts 2. One sister (Sheri Harris) posted something in our shared Facebook group about the clarity of "tongues" being "languages" after reflecting so closely on this passage. It doesn't mean an unintelligent collection of sounds and syllables, a mouthful of unrecognizable words. It means real languages that real humans used for real communication . While this is knowledge that many of us may have grown up knowing, Sheri is right.  This passage demonstrates the true definition of this word and reveals the misunderstanding of so many who -- ignorantly or intentionally -- pervert its mea...

Dear friend whose heart has been broken by “him”, I’m so proud of you. You are truly an incredible woman, and I can’t fathom the inner strength you’re summoning right now. I feel convicted to realize I wouldn’t be handling that situation with the dignity, grace, and composure you’re displaying. Admittedly, I’m envious of those remarkable qualities in you. More importantly, I have incredible respect for you.  I’m just going to put it out there. He didn’t deserve you. I know that sounds so trite, but it’s true. You only deserve the absolute best, and it’s clear by his poor choice in letting you go that he’s not the best!   But I know this reminder doesn’t take away the hurt and pain. How could it?    But it’s an important reminder nonetheless. And every day that you grow stronger, you will begin to remind yourself of these truths.  I can’t say what God has in your future. But I can say I’ve been in a similar situation to how you probably feel now. Perhaps mor...

I've been in quite a state lately.  I am from time to time, to be honest, but what folks don't seem to understand is that it's not my choosing.  I try desperately hard to control my thoughts, to manifest peace and God's glory in my struggle, yet sometimes this season or this diagnosis seems to be the thorn in my flesh.  The battle to which God says, "My grace is sufficient"... because here I am still struggling.  Still fighting.  And though there have been improvements, the burden hasn't completely been lifted from me.  You see, I've learned of some people who've said some REALLY hurtful things about me behind my back.  And if we're honest here?  The childhood rhyme is bogus because sticks and stones DO break your bones AND words strike unimaginable pain in the heart of a compassionate soul.  Someone trying to be a Jesus girl.  People chattering is nothing new though. But the pain of learning they have chattered about you - or in part...

I have recently listened to a series of lessons by David Shannon on 1 Corinthians 13.  (Thanks, Whitney, for the recommendation!)  And I must say, I've never heard it presented in this much detail and with this much clarity about the charge to Christians to practice agape love.  Brother Shannon talks about how we've given 1 Corinthians 13 the title of "the love chapter" with but a cursory understanding of the depths of what God is really asking us to do.  I haven't finished the series of lessons yet (I plan to very soon), but what I've learned so far has been quite insightful, and it's inspired me to take those thoughts down the road of this post today... Back when I was single, I saw a clever post that suggested whenever you think you've found "the one", insert his name into 1 Corinthians 13 wherever you read the word "love" or "charity".  So in one of my journaling Bibles, I did this using my own name in the place of ...

It's been a long long while since I tackled the "lies I believe" series I started, but I felt like the time was right to explore it a little more.  I've enjoyed blogging again and putting so many different ideas out there, and I think it's healthy and wise to discuss some of these societal pressures.  Communication and authenticity are essential for overcoming any obstacles... including these lies we've sold ourselves. As I mentioned earlier, I was reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly , and it really resonated with me.  I would highly recommend it, and I can't wait to get my hands on my next title from her.  But in this book, she discusses the concepts of vulnerability and scarcity.  One of the most powerful quotes that struck me was about how we live in a scarcity mindset.  The first things we think upon waking up are that "there's not enough time" and "I didn't get enough sleep".  I'm SO incredibly guilty of this,...

Picking up right where I left off in Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25, I'm adding to our list of observations about this inspiring wife. 💛 Abigail was a peacemaker.   Ouch!  The Bible warns about being a contentious wife, but am I truly a peacemaker like Abigail?  She was willing to accept the blame herself for something her worthless scoundrel of a husband Nabal did.  She took the blame for his offenses.  And although Christ hasn't yet been on the scene in this Old Testament account, what a Christlike thing to do.  Her heart was pure, and she was truly living by the admonition to live peaceably with all men as much as is within her power (Rom. 12:18).  Do I help my husband seek and maintain peace in our relationship and in our family?  Do I seek to maintain peace, or am I a contentious wife?  Am I willing to take blame, even when something isn't my fault, or do I need to "prove something" and "be right"? 💛 Abigail was persuasive.  On...

I’ve jumped forward quite a bit chronologically speaking to study Abigail. She is perhaps one of my most favorite Bible women because I understand to some degree what it was like to be married to a Nabal. (For those of you who don’t know my whole story, I am NOT referring to my current husband.  I was married before and that marriage ended scripturally, enabling me to be with the man of God who has my heart now.) Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25 is a relatively short read, but she has so many remarkable qualities that an in-depth study reveals just how far I have left to grow and mature. Her very name means “cause for joy” or "my father's joy". We can capture so many powerful truths from her account that it’s hard to focus in on just one or two things. For this lesson, I’m going to alliterate our study to highlight some of her most poignant characteristics and ask application questions to challenge myself to grow as a wife. Because there's SO much to learn about Abig...

Dear sister who won’t keep your clothes on, I know what you’re going to say. If men struggle, that’s their problem. They need to learn to control themselves. But I for one have never been in my husband’s mind or body, or any other man for that matter, so I don’t know how hard it is. And you don’t either. You assume they’re wired like us and they’re not. Because we were designed differently, and God instilled in them a visual sensory level that’s so far beyond ours. I can’t understand. I’ve asked God to help me try. But I keep coming away more and more frustrated.  You see, some men - even ones who grow up in the church - don’t have good influences or examples when it comes to sexual purity. Some of them really struggle. And you know what happens to their future girlfriends/wives?    They struggle too. They’re suddenly on a rollercoaster of fear, jealousy, and insecurity that they didn’t sign up for.  Sister, when you choose selfishness and decide to walk around half ...

Going in somewhat of a chronological order, Sarah would be the next wife on my list after studying Eve. Admittedly, Sarah gave me quite a perplexed perspective as I tried to glean some helpful guidance from her accounts. Some curious things happen in hers and Abraham’s story, and I honestly think I still have a lot to study before I fully understand it all. But here’s what I’ve gathered so far.  Sarah went along with her husband’s plans of deception. On more than one occasion (Gen. 12:10-20; Gen. 20), Abraham convinces Sarah to lie - or at least mislead - the rulers of the lands through which they were passing. Apparently Sarah was very attractive (Gen. 12:11, 14), and Abraham feared these rulers would kill him in order to get to Sarah if they thought she was his wife (Gen. 12:11-13). So, they agreed to say that she was his sister. Now, this wasn’t entirely untrue, but let’s face it... half-truths are still lies. This whole thing just blows my mind, and I would certainly be curiou...

I honestly don’t mean to complain. But I found myself complaining yet again about my body. I didn’t mean to, but it keeps bouncing around my head. I was fussing to my husband about how it just doesn’t seem fair... particularly because I can’t seem to have everything I want at once. Like, I can’t just get it all together once and for all.  When I was blazing through my National Boards and rocking it at school, I felt other areas of my life slipping. I would often feel lonely and an empty longing for someone to share my life with. When I spent oodles of time preparing for and teaching fitness classes and running, weightlifting, and Crossfitting... well, by then I had a boyfriend (my now husband) and a fit body (still not perfect, but proud), but my spiritual life started slipping. Now I’m a wife and I feel like I’m growing as a Christian, but the work/life balance has become increasingly complicated, and my physical body/weight has DEFINITELY paid the price. Why won’t God just let m...

I think it's only human to contemplate in our times of suffering, "Why is this happening to me?"  It's so easy to see things only through our limited lens of understanding, and it often only serves to remind us how small and insignificant we are in comparison to the universe.  I've thought that very question A LOT in my struggle with mental health issues over the past couple years.  I thought in my years after grad school that I had "achieved" a resting place in such a good head space that surely this would never happen to me!  Surely I'd seen the worst of depression and anxiety.  But that simply wasn't the case, and it certainly wasn't for lack of me trying to recover and get back to myself.  Recently, I've been blessed with a season of healing, and my prayer is that my effort, the effort of my loved ones, and the care and practice of my health professionals continues to help me see better days in the future.  Some days are still a neve...

Like many people, I have been taking the time during quarantine to dig more deeply spiritually.  If there's one silver lining that has come from this pandemic, I would say that it has certainly been that. And one Bible topic that has always been of interest to me is marriage.  Now, don't get me wrong, neither my husband nor I am an expert in this topic by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I'd say quite the opposite.  In our first year of marriage, we've definitely realized that knowledge of a topic doesn't necessarily equip one with the application skills necessary for success in a "real life" situation.  (In other words, we may be well-studied, but real life tests are a whole new world.) That said, I am tremendously appreciative of the Christian women and couples who've reached out to us to help us find our way in this transitional time.  For my part, I'm still trying to study on what it means to be a godly wife and achieve...