Inside Bell's Brain

I mentioned in a recent post about the prevailing societal standard for womanhood: martyrdom on the altar of exhaustion.  Whether we like it or not, it's true.  Whether we accept it or not, it's true.  It's not a glamorous, Hollywood-style view of femininity (although that's a huge expectation of our phsyical bodies), but it is nonetheless the prevailing standard of measuring whether a woman is keeping her value and worth.  How exhausted is she? But when did this become the norm?  Why is this even a thing?  We know that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  We know that time spent taking care of oneself isn't wasted and it certainly isn't selfish because it helps rejuvenate us to continue our servitude.  Yet somehow, we've all been suckered into believing that taking time for ourselves is selfish.  How dare we?  When there are husbands and children and aging parents and neighbors and friends and relatives to care for, how dare we take a min...

This summer I finished reading the book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living .  While I certainly don't agree with all her doctrinal statements in the book, I found it to be an overall easy and encouraging read for the discerning woman.   I have been very encouraged lately at the number of female authors I've observed who are owning their authenticity through transparency.  It's what I've always striven for, but to be honest, I felt I've been fighting the fight alone.  I recently posted the following meme to Facebook, and I find it to be incredibly true.  When you're open about your struggles, people are quick to label you: crazy, high maintenance, dramatic, needy, clingy, miserable, intense, psycho.   But when did being authentic, transparent, vulnerable, and honest become such a sin?  (Side note: I'd argue that it's not one and that the people who this really bothers aren't secure within themselves....

I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  Well, since around fourth or fifth grade we'll say.  About the time that I began steroids for my asthma.  Which made me gain weight.  And then I learned to self-medicate the discouragement I felt for being "fat" with more food.  And then kids are bullies, so then I ate more food to soothe those wounds...  And then I lost the weight in high school.  And then there was mono my freshman year and I ballooned up again.  And then I lost the weight again in college.  And then there was my divorce and working three jobs while I was in grad school.  And then I lost weight yet again, even became a certified fitness instructor... and then this depression happened.  To be honest, I still have to fight the temptation to self-medicate using food. As a society, we have certain assumptions about people we judge as overweight.  People tend to assume they eat all day wit...

It's been a long long while since I tackled the "lies I believe" series I started, but I felt like the time was right to explore it a little more.  I've enjoyed blogging again and putting so many different ideas out there, and I think it's healthy and wise to discuss some of these societal pressures.  Communication and authenticity are essential for overcoming any obstacles... including these lies we've sold ourselves. As I mentioned earlier, I was reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly , and it really resonated with me.  I would highly recommend it, and I can't wait to get my hands on my next title from her.  But in this book, she discusses the concepts of vulnerability and scarcity.  One of the most powerful quotes that struck me was about how we live in a scarcity mindset.  The first things we think upon waking up are that "there's not enough time" and "I didn't get enough sleep".  I'm SO incredibly guilty of this,...

I honestly don’t mean to complain. But I found myself complaining yet again about my body. I didn’t mean to, but it keeps bouncing around my head. I was fussing to my husband about how it just doesn’t seem fair... particularly because I can’t seem to have everything I want at once. Like, I can’t just get it all together once and for all.  When I was blazing through my National Boards and rocking it at school, I felt other areas of my life slipping. I would often feel lonely and an empty longing for someone to share my life with. When I spent oodles of time preparing for and teaching fitness classes and running, weightlifting, and Crossfitting... well, by then I had a boyfriend (my now husband) and a fit body (still not perfect, but proud), but my spiritual life started slipping. Now I’m a wife and I feel like I’m growing as a Christian, but the work/life balance has become increasingly complicated, and my physical body/weight has DEFINITELY paid the price. Why won’t God just let m...

Dear Erika, Here we go again. You’ve fallen off the fasting wagon... again. And let’s face it... you used to be thick, but still fit... but that ship may have sailed. Far far away. You’ve long fallen off the fitness wagon too.  Something’s got to give though because you’re unhappy with who you are and who you’ve become. Now, granted, you’ve been through some seriously tough and unfair crap these past few years. You’ve realized there were so many people who should’ve loved you better along the way than they did. And you know that logically, but you forget to remember it in your heart sometimes. One of those people... is you. You deserved to give yourself so much more compassion and grace than you did, still do.  But you’ve still got to get it together. It won’t happen over night but if you have to reread this letter every day until it clicks, then DO IT. You’re unhappy with your current vessel. And you’re 34 now, so it may have limitations that it didn’t have before, but you’re...

I think it's only human to contemplate in our times of suffering, "Why is this happening to me?"  It's so easy to see things only through our limited lens of understanding, and it often only serves to remind us how small and insignificant we are in comparison to the universe.  I've thought that very question A LOT in my struggle with mental health issues over the past couple years.  I thought in my years after grad school that I had "achieved" a resting place in such a good head space that surely this would never happen to me!  Surely I'd seen the worst of depression and anxiety.  But that simply wasn't the case, and it certainly wasn't for lack of me trying to recover and get back to myself.  Recently, I've been blessed with a season of healing, and my prayer is that my effort, the effort of my loved ones, and the care and practice of my health professionals continues to help me see better days in the future.  Some days are still a neve...

I mentioned in a previous post (or at least think I did, lol) about how I participated in a book study on trauma this year for my professional development. (I know I at least recommended the book on my post about surviving mental illness . Here’s a link to purchase the book if you’re interested; I highly recommend it!) Each chapter, we were asked to dig a little deeper into some of the content and answer some questions related to the topics in that chapter. My response to the first assignment is the one I’m including in this post because 1) I think it’s a worthy post, 2) I think it’s essential to continuously reflect on your “why”, and 3) I plan to talk a LOT more about trauma on the blog as I learn more and more... both as a professional and as a regular ol’ human. Our discussion leader posed the following question:  Week 1: What is your WHY?  Why do you think it is important to learn about trauma in our schools? I’ve been thinking A LOT about this q...

I adapted and expanded this from an earlier Facebook post that I wrote for my personal wall.  I have added to it to explain a little bit more of what's been on my mind and what I've done about it since the original post.  I've gone back and forth (and back again) for most of the quarantine.  It's been so distressing trying to establish any kind of normalcy to the anything-but-normal state that we're living in right now.  But I've been reflecting a lot this year on understanding people's needs.  Of course, this has been a journey for me as a newlywed, but I think there are applications beyond that most intimate of relationships.  I think when we seek to understand what makes one another "tick", even in a professional sense, truly magnificent things can result. That said, I'm undeniably a words of affirmation love language girl.  My second highest-ranked love language is quality time, but it's just something about those words... especial...

Every year, like so many of you, I try to select a word that will govern my thoughts and actions for the year. If I’m completely honest, last year’s word was a complete failure, and it’s possible that I’ve never felt more UNdisciplined in my life. (But I may come back to that at a later time.) Today I want to focus on my 2019 word and all it means for me. Last year was such an... interesting... year for my growth. It was the year I definitely never saw coming. But I faced a lot of fears and insecurities that I had no idea still loomed under my surface. I’m still facing those, and that growth process has led me to choose the word “enough.” I love the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle that my friend sent me. She knows some of my inner struggles and conflict and sent me this lyrical jewel in one of my dark moments last year. I dare say it’s been on repeat pretty much ever since.  So I also embarked on a series (more to come) on the lies I have believed after beginning t...

Today I posted my #topnine2018, a collage of my most liked Instagram images of 2018. As I posted, I thought it would be a novel idea and a nice end-of-Year reflection of sorts to share the “behind the scenes” story of each one. Several of them, I have already posted their associated stories, but a recap never hurts.  The top two corners were posted at various times this year as a recap of my weight loss. The first (upper left) was after a “memory” picture from a New Orleans trip popped up in my feed. Sometimes I forget how large I used to be and how far I’ve come. I think it would do me good to reflect on this side by side more often than I do, especially when I feel stuck like I have lately. The other (upper right) was a showcase of the last time I was at the Teachers Pay Teachers conference (2015) to this year in Nashville (black shirt and rose pants). I have an hourglass now!  And I’m proud of that shape.  The top center reflects a sentiment I’ve felt for a while now a...

I’m not easy to love. I’ve never claimed to be. I’m a deeply sensitive and reflective soul. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotion. I see a thousand sides to every situation, and it takes me days or weeks to mull over things in my mind before feeling completely resolved on an issue. (And that usually requires multiple conversations with my BFFs too.) But I have passion and intensity like none other I know, and I will love more fiercely and more protectively than could ever be imagined once I break down my own walls. I am authentic to my very core, even when that authenticity shows my less than desirable traits lying right there for all to see on the very surface of my skin.  Not to beat the metaphorical dead horse here, but I have opened up about my past relationship in my last post, and the wake of that volatile relationship certainly has its place in this third lie too. Before finding myself in that relationship, I endured many years of verbal and emotional abuse as a child. No form of ab...

So many of you have reached out to me since my last post to share with me in some way how it has affected you. I’m so humbled by your courage and bravery in sharing your “lies” with me, and I’m eager to explore all our ideas together in this space.  My lie #2 is quite similar in many ways to my first. And this post is about to get as vulnerable as I’ve ever been publicly and definitely ever been online. I tend to be open about my past because it’s who I am and I have nothing to hide, but so many people (especially women) stand ready to judge and misuse your openness and vulnerabilities against you. I’m taking that risk because on the flip side, I think it’s imperative that we relate our experiences to one another to learn from each other and to keep one another from making the same mistakes (or believing the same lies). So here it goes... My Lie #2: This season will last forever.  The only constant in life is change. If that’s not true, what is?  Sometimes it changes so q...

I went back and forth about beginning the *trendy* book called Girl, Wash Your Face. It looked like it would interest me, and I had it on my proverbial wish list when I came across an article alleging some fallacies from the Christian woman’s perspective about the stances she takes in the book (which turned me off to it). My best friend too a poll and based on the responses of other Christian women, she decided to read it but purely from a secular perspective. I agreed that was a good idea and after skimming the table of contents in a friend’s copy, I decided I needed it too.  Just one Introduction and chapter in, it already had me thinking. I too have felt many of these lies in my own life, but not all of them are specific to me. So that got me to thinking... What are the lies I believe or have believed in my life?  I was able to generate a list of 10 pretty quickly and then used social media as an avenue to start collecting more lies from my friends’ perspectives. I’m...

This week has been crazy. But I suppose that could be said for every week. It’s always just exceptionally so any time you come back from an extended time away from the classroom.  It seemed like every one needed something from me this week that I just couldn’t give. A deadline to be met. An email to be responded to. A problem to be resolved. An issue to be investigated. A situation once thought to be finished yet continuing to be a thorn in the flesh.  This calendar year has brought a lot of growth for me - personally and professionally. And I can’t help the feeling that this school year will do the same. I tell a lot of my 20-something friends that awakening into your 30s changes things. And I do think that’s true. I am a different woman now than I was then. And I’m a different woman today than I was a year ago. Maybe that’s the point... never being the same person you were yesterday, or a week ago, or a month ago, or a year ago... most definitely a decade ago. Either way, I’...

Admittedly I struggled with my "one little word" for this year.  I'm at a really pivotal point in a great deal of things going on in my life right now but I wanted it to be a word of true meaning and significance for me...a word that represents the excitement, fear, elation, frustration, and confidence that this year is for me. At first I thought ringmaster seemed like a good enough word.  I was certainly juggling the many responsibilities I have while learning to find the most important balance...a balance to take care of myself.  I was becoming a ringmaster of my own life again .  (And I don't mean that in a spiritual sense because God guides my daily path.  I just mean that I was taking control back of the things that have spiraled beyond my control...mostly because of my desire to make others around me happy and to be a person who can't say "no.")  But I digress... That still just didn't have the right nuance to it.  This year is about...

Well, we made it through August, and today is the first Friday of a new month.  A perfect time for reflection as we take on another chapter in the school year.  What are your plans for your instruction this year? When planning projects and alternative assessments, remember to give students voice and choice. We want to create a generation of thinkers…not robots.  It's certainly easier on ourselves to assign the same projects/assignments for everyone...but what are our students really getting out of it?  How often does that reflect the demands of a 21st century work environment?  Our students must be able to think critically, and giving them the freedoms to do so now will give back to the world a hundred fold!