Inside Bell's Brain

This must be the whole “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part.  We didn’t plan to get sick, and we certainly never asked for it.  We just wanted to enjoy our lives (taking appropriate precautions, of course), and like so many others, we still contracted this vile illness.  It came out of nowhere to stomp all over our season’s greetings, and it’s knocked us flat on our backs.   It feels like we’re on day 46,823 or something, but I know it’s only been just over a week now. On top of the textbook COVID stuff, I’m now experiencing the excruciating delight of a UTI *sarcasm noted* on top of the miserable aches and fatigue. Whether this was the metaphorical straw that sent me in a downward spiral or whether the confines of this quarantined Christmas abode finally wore me down, I’m not sure. But these last few days have been pure mental misery.  Dark thoughts that I had celebrated as gone crept back in and toyed with my head and heart again. Now I’m tire...

I was eating lunch with a friend recently, and of course, we were talking about the upcoming school year.  She knows how this past year was a struggle for me personally and professionally as I learned to balance my life and navigate my health and well-being.  She and I both expressed our concerns over all the decisions being made in light of the COVID situation, but neither of us really had a better answer or alternative.  There are risks and problems no matter what the powers that be decide, so we just have to have faith. I told her I was thankful for my summer and glad for all the projects I've been able to work on.  I told her that I appreciated the break and change of pace, and while I wanted to stretch summer a little longer (as teachers always do), I was ready to try again.  I was (I am) ready for a new year and to put this past year behind.  Then I blurted, "I am just ready to be successful again this year... but I don't even know what that looks lik...

I adapted and expanded this from an earlier Facebook post that I wrote for my personal wall.  I have added to it to explain a little bit more of what's been on my mind and what I've done about it since the original post.  I've gone back and forth (and back again) for most of the quarantine.  It's been so distressing trying to establish any kind of normalcy to the anything-but-normal state that we're living in right now.  But I've been reflecting a lot this year on understanding people's needs.  Of course, this has been a journey for me as a newlywed, but I think there are applications beyond that most intimate of relationships.  I think when we seek to understand what makes one another "tick", even in a professional sense, truly magnificent things can result. That said, I'm undeniably a words of affirmation love language girl.  My second highest-ranked love language is quality time, but it's just something about those words... especial...

I’m sharing this post here.  These were my thoughts I shared via Facebook when our governor announced we would not be returning to school this year. The first picture below I took as I walked out of my classroom on that last day at dismissal... I just had this eerie feeling that’s what would happen. The second image is one I saw just this week & borrowed from another ESL teacher online, and I found it particularly fitting for the complex emotions I’ve experienced in this quarantine.  This certainly hasn’t been my year. More ongoing health problems than I’ve ever imagined possible for one person. Moving addresses... twice technically. Adjusting to a new role as a wife. Trying to stay afloat. Changes to my body and personality I didn’t understand. Constantly feeling like a disappointment to those around me because I just haven’t been at the caliber I’ve always demanded of myself. Unable to remember the small things, things I had always been able to juggle in my ever-act...