Inside Bell's Brain

I’ve lived pretty openly about my struggles with self-esteem. Perhaps too openly, but that’s not the point of this particular post.  A history of verbal abuse, rejection, insecurity and throw in some re-traumatization for good measure... that all makes for a perfectly *normal* traumatized young woman. (And I can’t emphasize the normal part enough. The more I’ve researched what happens to the brain and body through one’s healing journey, the more I’m convinced that I’m not defined by these feelings, but rather that these are things that happened to me that I’m working through. And my range of reactions is also perfectly normal based on what experts can tell us about the brain and body’s response to those traumas.)  That said, poor self image is exhausting and debilitating. It can be all-consuming, and it has the power to ignite an obsessive beast within.  With the help of my husband, I am still trying to reassemble all those broken pieces to figure out who this current ver...

This must be the whole “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part.  We didn’t plan to get sick, and we certainly never asked for it.  We just wanted to enjoy our lives (taking appropriate precautions, of course), and like so many others, we still contracted this vile illness.  It came out of nowhere to stomp all over our season’s greetings, and it’s knocked us flat on our backs.   It feels like we’re on day 46,823 or something, but I know it’s only been just over a week now. On top of the textbook COVID stuff, I’m now experiencing the excruciating delight of a UTI *sarcasm noted* on top of the miserable aches and fatigue. Whether this was the metaphorical straw that sent me in a downward spiral or whether the confines of this quarantined Christmas abode finally wore me down, I’m not sure. But these last few days have been pure mental misery.  Dark thoughts that I had celebrated as gone crept back in and toyed with my head and heart again. Now I’m tire...

Picking up right where I left off in Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25, I'm adding to our list of observations about this inspiring wife. 💛 Abigail was a peacemaker.   Ouch!  The Bible warns about being a contentious wife, but am I truly a peacemaker like Abigail?  She was willing to accept the blame herself for something her worthless scoundrel of a husband Nabal did.  She took the blame for his offenses.  And although Christ hasn't yet been on the scene in this Old Testament account, what a Christlike thing to do.  Her heart was pure, and she was truly living by the admonition to live peaceably with all men as much as is within her power (Rom. 12:18).  Do I help my husband seek and maintain peace in our relationship and in our family?  Do I seek to maintain peace, or am I a contentious wife?  Am I willing to take blame, even when something isn't my fault, or do I need to "prove something" and "be right"? 💛 Abigail was persuasive.  On...

I’ve jumped forward quite a bit chronologically speaking to study Abigail. She is perhaps one of my most favorite Bible women because I understand to some degree what it was like to be married to a Nabal. (For those of you who don’t know my whole story, I am NOT referring to my current husband.  I was married before and that marriage ended scripturally, enabling me to be with the man of God who has my heart now.) Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25 is a relatively short read, but she has so many remarkable qualities that an in-depth study reveals just how far I have left to grow and mature. Her very name means “cause for joy” or "my father's joy". We can capture so many powerful truths from her account that it’s hard to focus in on just one or two things. For this lesson, I’m going to alliterate our study to highlight some of her most poignant characteristics and ask application questions to challenge myself to grow as a wife. Because there's SO much to learn about Abig...

Going in somewhat of a chronological order, Sarah would be the next wife on my list after studying Eve. Admittedly, Sarah gave me quite a perplexed perspective as I tried to glean some helpful guidance from her accounts. Some curious things happen in hers and Abraham’s story, and I honestly think I still have a lot to study before I fully understand it all. But here’s what I’ve gathered so far.  Sarah went along with her husband’s plans of deception. On more than one occasion (Gen. 12:10-20; Gen. 20), Abraham convinces Sarah to lie - or at least mislead - the rulers of the lands through which they were passing. Apparently Sarah was very attractive (Gen. 12:11, 14), and Abraham feared these rulers would kill him in order to get to Sarah if they thought she was his wife (Gen. 12:11-13). So, they agreed to say that she was his sister. Now, this wasn’t entirely untrue, but let’s face it... half-truths are still lies. This whole thing just blows my mind, and I would certainly be curiou...

Like many people, I have been taking the time during quarantine to dig more deeply spiritually.  If there's one silver lining that has come from this pandemic, I would say that it has certainly been that. And one Bible topic that has always been of interest to me is marriage.  Now, don't get me wrong, neither my husband nor I am an expert in this topic by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I'd say quite the opposite.  In our first year of marriage, we've definitely realized that knowledge of a topic doesn't necessarily equip one with the application skills necessary for success in a "real life" situation.  (In other words, we may be well-studied, but real life tests are a whole new world.) That said, I am tremendously appreciative of the Christian women and couples who've reached out to us to help us find our way in this transitional time.  For my part, I'm still trying to study on what it means to be a godly wife and achieve...