Inside Bell's Brain

I’ve lived pretty openly about my struggles with self-esteem. Perhaps too openly, but that’s not the point of this particular post.  A history of verbal abuse, rejection, insecurity and throw in some re-traumatization for good measure... that all makes for a perfectly *normal* traumatized young woman. (And I can’t emphasize the normal part enough. The more I’ve researched what happens to the brain and body through one’s healing journey, the more I’m convinced that I’m not defined by these feelings, but rather that these are things that happened to me that I’m working through. And my range of reactions is also perfectly normal based on what experts can tell us about the brain and body’s response to those traumas.)  That said, poor self image is exhausting and debilitating. It can be all-consuming, and it has the power to ignite an obsessive beast within.  With the help of my husband, I am still trying to reassemble all those broken pieces to figure out who this current ver...

This year, I’ve been participating in a scripture writing study with ladies from congregations all around.  It was created/designed by sister Carla Moore.  ( Check out her post and the download here!   You can see some of my pictures below, but keep scrolling to read more...) This week's reading had us focusing on the Day of Pentecost, the day of the birth of the church in Acts 2. One sister (Sheri Harris) posted something in our shared Facebook group about the clarity of "tongues" being "languages" after reflecting so closely on this passage. It doesn't mean an unintelligent collection of sounds and syllables, a mouthful of unrecognizable words. It means real languages that real humans used for real communication . While this is knowledge that many of us may have grown up knowing, Sheri is right.  This passage demonstrates the true definition of this word and reveals the misunderstanding of so many who -- ignorantly or intentionally -- pervert its mea...

Dear friend whose heart has been broken by “him”, I’m so proud of you. You are truly an incredible woman, and I can’t fathom the inner strength you’re summoning right now. I feel convicted to realize I wouldn’t be handling that situation with the dignity, grace, and composure you’re displaying. Admittedly, I’m envious of those remarkable qualities in you. More importantly, I have incredible respect for you.  I’m just going to put it out there. He didn’t deserve you. I know that sounds so trite, but it’s true. You only deserve the absolute best, and it’s clear by his poor choice in letting you go that he’s not the best!   But I know this reminder doesn’t take away the hurt and pain. How could it?    But it’s an important reminder nonetheless. And every day that you grow stronger, you will begin to remind yourself of these truths.  I can’t say what God has in your future. But I can say I’ve been in a similar situation to how you probably feel now. Perhaps mor...

I mentioned in a recent post about the prevailing societal standard for womanhood: martyrdom on the altar of exhaustion.  Whether we like it or not, it's true.  Whether we accept it or not, it's true.  It's not a glamorous, Hollywood-style view of femininity (although that's a huge expectation of our phsyical bodies), but it is nonetheless the prevailing standard of measuring whether a woman is keeping her value and worth.  How exhausted is she? But when did this become the norm?  Why is this even a thing?  We know that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  We know that time spent taking care of oneself isn't wasted and it certainly isn't selfish because it helps rejuvenate us to continue our servitude.  Yet somehow, we've all been suckered into believing that taking time for ourselves is selfish.  How dare we?  When there are husbands and children and aging parents and neighbors and friends and relatives to care for, how dare we take a min...

This summer I finished reading the book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living .  While I certainly don't agree with all her doctrinal statements in the book, I found it to be an overall easy and encouraging read for the discerning woman.   I have been very encouraged lately at the number of female authors I've observed who are owning their authenticity through transparency.  It's what I've always striven for, but to be honest, I felt I've been fighting the fight alone.  I recently posted the following meme to Facebook, and I find it to be incredibly true.  When you're open about your struggles, people are quick to label you: crazy, high maintenance, dramatic, needy, clingy, miserable, intense, psycho.   But when did being authentic, transparent, vulnerable, and honest become such a sin?  (Side note: I'd argue that it's not one and that the people who this really bothers aren't secure within themselves....

I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  Well, since around fourth or fifth grade we'll say.  About the time that I began steroids for my asthma.  Which made me gain weight.  And then I learned to self-medicate the discouragement I felt for being "fat" with more food.  And then kids are bullies, so then I ate more food to soothe those wounds...  And then I lost the weight in high school.  And then there was mono my freshman year and I ballooned up again.  And then I lost the weight again in college.  And then there was my divorce and working three jobs while I was in grad school.  And then I lost weight yet again, even became a certified fitness instructor... and then this depression happened.  To be honest, I still have to fight the temptation to self-medicate using food. As a society, we have certain assumptions about people we judge as overweight.  People tend to assume they eat all day wit...

I was eating lunch with a friend recently, and of course, we were talking about the upcoming school year.  She knows how this past year was a struggle for me personally and professionally as I learned to balance my life and navigate my health and well-being.  She and I both expressed our concerns over all the decisions being made in light of the COVID situation, but neither of us really had a better answer or alternative.  There are risks and problems no matter what the powers that be decide, so we just have to have faith. I told her I was thankful for my summer and glad for all the projects I've been able to work on.  I told her that I appreciated the break and change of pace, and while I wanted to stretch summer a little longer (as teachers always do), I was ready to try again.  I was (I am) ready for a new year and to put this past year behind.  Then I blurted, "I am just ready to be successful again this year... but I don't even know what that looks lik...

It's been a long long while since I tackled the "lies I believe" series I started, but I felt like the time was right to explore it a little more.  I've enjoyed blogging again and putting so many different ideas out there, and I think it's healthy and wise to discuss some of these societal pressures.  Communication and authenticity are essential for overcoming any obstacles... including these lies we've sold ourselves. As I mentioned earlier, I was reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly , and it really resonated with me.  I would highly recommend it, and I can't wait to get my hands on my next title from her.  But in this book, she discusses the concepts of vulnerability and scarcity.  One of the most powerful quotes that struck me was about how we live in a scarcity mindset.  The first things we think upon waking up are that "there's not enough time" and "I didn't get enough sleep".  I'm SO incredibly guilty of this,...

Picking up right where I left off in Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25, I'm adding to our list of observations about this inspiring wife. 💛 Abigail was a peacemaker.   Ouch!  The Bible warns about being a contentious wife, but am I truly a peacemaker like Abigail?  She was willing to accept the blame herself for something her worthless scoundrel of a husband Nabal did.  She took the blame for his offenses.  And although Christ hasn't yet been on the scene in this Old Testament account, what a Christlike thing to do.  Her heart was pure, and she was truly living by the admonition to live peaceably with all men as much as is within her power (Rom. 12:18).  Do I help my husband seek and maintain peace in our relationship and in our family?  Do I seek to maintain peace, or am I a contentious wife?  Am I willing to take blame, even when something isn't my fault, or do I need to "prove something" and "be right"? 💛 Abigail was persuasive.  On...

I’ve jumped forward quite a bit chronologically speaking to study Abigail. She is perhaps one of my most favorite Bible women because I understand to some degree what it was like to be married to a Nabal. (For those of you who don’t know my whole story, I am NOT referring to my current husband.  I was married before and that marriage ended scripturally, enabling me to be with the man of God who has my heart now.) Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25 is a relatively short read, but she has so many remarkable qualities that an in-depth study reveals just how far I have left to grow and mature. Her very name means “cause for joy” or "my father's joy". We can capture so many powerful truths from her account that it’s hard to focus in on just one or two things. For this lesson, I’m going to alliterate our study to highlight some of her most poignant characteristics and ask application questions to challenge myself to grow as a wife. Because there's SO much to learn about Abig...

Going in somewhat of a chronological order, Sarah would be the next wife on my list after studying Eve. Admittedly, Sarah gave me quite a perplexed perspective as I tried to glean some helpful guidance from her accounts. Some curious things happen in hers and Abraham’s story, and I honestly think I still have a lot to study before I fully understand it all. But here’s what I’ve gathered so far.  Sarah went along with her husband’s plans of deception. On more than one occasion (Gen. 12:10-20; Gen. 20), Abraham convinces Sarah to lie - or at least mislead - the rulers of the lands through which they were passing. Apparently Sarah was very attractive (Gen. 12:11, 14), and Abraham feared these rulers would kill him in order to get to Sarah if they thought she was his wife (Gen. 12:11-13). So, they agreed to say that she was his sister. Now, this wasn’t entirely untrue, but let’s face it... half-truths are still lies. This whole thing just blows my mind, and I would certainly be curiou...

I honestly don’t mean to complain. But I found myself complaining yet again about my body. I didn’t mean to, but it keeps bouncing around my head. I was fussing to my husband about how it just doesn’t seem fair... particularly because I can’t seem to have everything I want at once. Like, I can’t just get it all together once and for all.  When I was blazing through my National Boards and rocking it at school, I felt other areas of my life slipping. I would often feel lonely and an empty longing for someone to share my life with. When I spent oodles of time preparing for and teaching fitness classes and running, weightlifting, and Crossfitting... well, by then I had a boyfriend (my now husband) and a fit body (still not perfect, but proud), but my spiritual life started slipping. Now I’m a wife and I feel like I’m growing as a Christian, but the work/life balance has become increasingly complicated, and my physical body/weight has DEFINITELY paid the price. Why won’t God just let m...

Dear Erika, Here we go again. You’ve fallen off the fasting wagon... again. And let’s face it... you used to be thick, but still fit... but that ship may have sailed. Far far away. You’ve long fallen off the fitness wagon too.  Something’s got to give though because you’re unhappy with who you are and who you’ve become. Now, granted, you’ve been through some seriously tough and unfair crap these past few years. You’ve realized there were so many people who should’ve loved you better along the way than they did. And you know that logically, but you forget to remember it in your heart sometimes. One of those people... is you. You deserved to give yourself so much more compassion and grace than you did, still do.  But you’ve still got to get it together. It won’t happen over night but if you have to reread this letter every day until it clicks, then DO IT. You’re unhappy with your current vessel. And you’re 34 now, so it may have limitations that it didn’t have before, but you’re...

I think it's only human to contemplate in our times of suffering, "Why is this happening to me?"  It's so easy to see things only through our limited lens of understanding, and it often only serves to remind us how small and insignificant we are in comparison to the universe.  I've thought that very question A LOT in my struggle with mental health issues over the past couple years.  I thought in my years after grad school that I had "achieved" a resting place in such a good head space that surely this would never happen to me!  Surely I'd seen the worst of depression and anxiety.  But that simply wasn't the case, and it certainly wasn't for lack of me trying to recover and get back to myself.  Recently, I've been blessed with a season of healing, and my prayer is that my effort, the effort of my loved ones, and the care and practice of my health professionals continues to help me see better days in the future.  Some days are still a neve...

I mentioned in a previous post (or at least think I did, lol) about how I participated in a book study on trauma this year for my professional development. (I know I at least recommended the book on my post about surviving mental illness . Here’s a link to purchase the book if you’re interested; I highly recommend it!) Each chapter, we were asked to dig a little deeper into some of the content and answer some questions related to the topics in that chapter. My response to the first assignment is the one I’m including in this post because 1) I think it’s a worthy post, 2) I think it’s essential to continuously reflect on your “why”, and 3) I plan to talk a LOT more about trauma on the blog as I learn more and more... both as a professional and as a regular ol’ human. Our discussion leader posed the following question:  Week 1: What is your WHY?  Why do you think it is important to learn about trauma in our schools? I’ve been thinking A LOT about this q...