Inside Bell's Brain

This post has been a long time coming.  Maybe four or five weeks now?  I don't know because I've truly lost track.  The hopes that 2021 would be kinder to us all were rather quickly shattered with the start of yet another chaotic and stressful January.  This appears to be the "new normal" of nearly everyone I know... But I digress... every year I've *tried* to declare a word.  A word to define the hopes, dreams, motivation, and purpose of the new twelve months before me.  Each year since probably somewhere circa 2015 or so, I've chosen a word... and I've done absolutely nothing with it.  I mean, very little, if anything.  So I was skeptical to choose another word for myself and have another failed year tick by.   I had already been thinking that *if* I were to select a word for this new year, it likely needed to be something related to an issue I struggle with tremendously: trust.  As I waged that inner "will I or won't I?" struggle...

I’ve lived pretty openly about my struggles with self-esteem. Perhaps too openly, but that’s not the point of this particular post.  A history of verbal abuse, rejection, insecurity and throw in some re-traumatization for good measure... that all makes for a perfectly *normal* traumatized young woman. (And I can’t emphasize the normal part enough. The more I’ve researched what happens to the brain and body through one’s healing journey, the more I’m convinced that I’m not defined by these feelings, but rather that these are things that happened to me that I’m working through. And my range of reactions is also perfectly normal based on what experts can tell us about the brain and body’s response to those traumas.)  That said, poor self image is exhausting and debilitating. It can be all-consuming, and it has the power to ignite an obsessive beast within.  With the help of my husband, I am still trying to reassemble all those broken pieces to figure out who this current ver...

This must be the whole “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part.  We didn’t plan to get sick, and we certainly never asked for it.  We just wanted to enjoy our lives (taking appropriate precautions, of course), and like so many others, we still contracted this vile illness.  It came out of nowhere to stomp all over our season’s greetings, and it’s knocked us flat on our backs.   It feels like we’re on day 46,823 or something, but I know it’s only been just over a week now. On top of the textbook COVID stuff, I’m now experiencing the excruciating delight of a UTI *sarcasm noted* on top of the miserable aches and fatigue. Whether this was the metaphorical straw that sent me in a downward spiral or whether the confines of this quarantined Christmas abode finally wore me down, I’m not sure. But these last few days have been pure mental misery.  Dark thoughts that I had celebrated as gone crept back in and toyed with my head and heart again. Now I’m tire...

  A friend once gave me a little excerpt from a book that talked about the limitations of others. I think its message makes a good preface here. The idea was to the effect that there are people in our lives who wrong us, even those who almost near destroy us. They deny us of the love we so desperately need for one reason or another. But the point hinges on our moving forward in forgiveness and letting go because they likely loved you as much as they could. Perhaps they didn’t intentionally hurt you (perhaps they did) but they likely loved you to the extent it was possible for them to love another person. Holes and emptiness in them somehow made it impossible for them to love in a less than selfish or even narcissistic way. I accept that and have certainly seen that play out in my life on many an occasion.   But even though there is abundant truth in that, I want to reflect on something else I’ve experienced in my life.    Sometimes a parent can be “physically present...

I mentioned in a recent post about the prevailing societal standard for womanhood: martyrdom on the altar of exhaustion.  Whether we like it or not, it's true.  Whether we accept it or not, it's true.  It's not a glamorous, Hollywood-style view of femininity (although that's a huge expectation of our phsyical bodies), but it is nonetheless the prevailing standard of measuring whether a woman is keeping her value and worth.  How exhausted is she? But when did this become the norm?  Why is this even a thing?  We know that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  We know that time spent taking care of oneself isn't wasted and it certainly isn't selfish because it helps rejuvenate us to continue our servitude.  Yet somehow, we've all been suckered into believing that taking time for ourselves is selfish.  How dare we?  When there are husbands and children and aging parents and neighbors and friends and relatives to care for, how dare we take a min...

This summer I finished reading the book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living .  While I certainly don't agree with all her doctrinal statements in the book, I found it to be an overall easy and encouraging read for the discerning woman.   I have been very encouraged lately at the number of female authors I've observed who are owning their authenticity through transparency.  It's what I've always striven for, but to be honest, I felt I've been fighting the fight alone.  I recently posted the following meme to Facebook, and I find it to be incredibly true.  When you're open about your struggles, people are quick to label you: crazy, high maintenance, dramatic, needy, clingy, miserable, intense, psycho.   But when did being authentic, transparent, vulnerable, and honest become such a sin?  (Side note: I'd argue that it's not one and that the people who this really bothers aren't secure within themselves....

Monday night was hard. I saw so many teachers excited to return to school to see their students. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to see my babies again!    I’ve missed them!    It’s the fear of another year of unknown that had me (has me) burdened.  When I woke up this morning, along with many other educators locally and abroad, I joined in the tradition to post my school day prayer on social media. And I froze. I literally didn’t even know what to ask God for. Who has ever been prepared to teach in a global pandemic like we’ve had to this year? So I reflected on what would really be needful. And two big ideas came to mind: love and grace. Not just for my students and not just for my coworkers. I need love and grace for myself too!    The unprecedented circumstances of this year are going to require courage and flexibility of us. And that’s no problem because teachers always rise to the occasion. But it’s also true that we’re navigating unchartered t...

I've been in quite a state lately.  I am from time to time, to be honest, but what folks don't seem to understand is that it's not my choosing.  I try desperately hard to control my thoughts, to manifest peace and God's glory in my struggle, yet sometimes this season or this diagnosis seems to be the thorn in my flesh.  The battle to which God says, "My grace is sufficient"... because here I am still struggling.  Still fighting.  And though there have been improvements, the burden hasn't completely been lifted from me.  You see, I've learned of some people who've said some REALLY hurtful things about me behind my back.  And if we're honest here?  The childhood rhyme is bogus because sticks and stones DO break your bones AND words strike unimaginable pain in the heart of a compassionate soul.  Someone trying to be a Jesus girl.  People chattering is nothing new though. But the pain of learning they have chattered about you - or in part...

I have recently listened to a series of lessons by David Shannon on 1 Corinthians 13.  (Thanks, Whitney, for the recommendation!)  And I must say, I've never heard it presented in this much detail and with this much clarity about the charge to Christians to practice agape love.  Brother Shannon talks about how we've given 1 Corinthians 13 the title of "the love chapter" with but a cursory understanding of the depths of what God is really asking us to do.  I haven't finished the series of lessons yet (I plan to very soon), but what I've learned so far has been quite insightful, and it's inspired me to take those thoughts down the road of this post today... Back when I was single, I saw a clever post that suggested whenever you think you've found "the one", insert his name into 1 Corinthians 13 wherever you read the word "love" or "charity".  So in one of my journaling Bibles, I did this using my own name in the place of ...

I've struggled with my weight my entire life.  Well, since around fourth or fifth grade we'll say.  About the time that I began steroids for my asthma.  Which made me gain weight.  And then I learned to self-medicate the discouragement I felt for being "fat" with more food.  And then kids are bullies, so then I ate more food to soothe those wounds...  And then I lost the weight in high school.  And then there was mono my freshman year and I ballooned up again.  And then I lost the weight again in college.  And then there was my divorce and working three jobs while I was in grad school.  And then I lost weight yet again, even became a certified fitness instructor... and then this depression happened.  To be honest, I still have to fight the temptation to self-medicate using food. As a society, we have certain assumptions about people we judge as overweight.  People tend to assume they eat all day wit...

It's been a long long while since I tackled the "lies I believe" series I started, but I felt like the time was right to explore it a little more.  I've enjoyed blogging again and putting so many different ideas out there, and I think it's healthy and wise to discuss some of these societal pressures.  Communication and authenticity are essential for overcoming any obstacles... including these lies we've sold ourselves. As I mentioned earlier, I was reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly , and it really resonated with me.  I would highly recommend it, and I can't wait to get my hands on my next title from her.  But in this book, she discusses the concepts of vulnerability and scarcity.  One of the most powerful quotes that struck me was about how we live in a scarcity mindset.  The first things we think upon waking up are that "there's not enough time" and "I didn't get enough sleep".  I'm SO incredibly guilty of this,...

Picking up right where I left off in Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25, I'm adding to our list of observations about this inspiring wife. 💛 Abigail was a peacemaker.   Ouch!  The Bible warns about being a contentious wife, but am I truly a peacemaker like Abigail?  She was willing to accept the blame herself for something her worthless scoundrel of a husband Nabal did.  She took the blame for his offenses.  And although Christ hasn't yet been on the scene in this Old Testament account, what a Christlike thing to do.  Her heart was pure, and she was truly living by the admonition to live peaceably with all men as much as is within her power (Rom. 12:18).  Do I help my husband seek and maintain peace in our relationship and in our family?  Do I seek to maintain peace, or am I a contentious wife?  Am I willing to take blame, even when something isn't my fault, or do I need to "prove something" and "be right"? 💛 Abigail was persuasive.  On...

I’ve jumped forward quite a bit chronologically speaking to study Abigail. She is perhaps one of my most favorite Bible women because I understand to some degree what it was like to be married to a Nabal. (For those of you who don’t know my whole story, I am NOT referring to my current husband.  I was married before and that marriage ended scripturally, enabling me to be with the man of God who has my heart now.) Abigail’s account in 1 Samuel 25 is a relatively short read, but she has so many remarkable qualities that an in-depth study reveals just how far I have left to grow and mature. Her very name means “cause for joy” or "my father's joy". We can capture so many powerful truths from her account that it’s hard to focus in on just one or two things. For this lesson, I’m going to alliterate our study to highlight some of her most poignant characteristics and ask application questions to challenge myself to grow as a wife. Because there's SO much to learn about Abig...

Going in somewhat of a chronological order, Sarah would be the next wife on my list after studying Eve. Admittedly, Sarah gave me quite a perplexed perspective as I tried to glean some helpful guidance from her accounts. Some curious things happen in hers and Abraham’s story, and I honestly think I still have a lot to study before I fully understand it all. But here’s what I’ve gathered so far.  Sarah went along with her husband’s plans of deception. On more than one occasion (Gen. 12:10-20; Gen. 20), Abraham convinces Sarah to lie - or at least mislead - the rulers of the lands through which they were passing. Apparently Sarah was very attractive (Gen. 12:11, 14), and Abraham feared these rulers would kill him in order to get to Sarah if they thought she was his wife (Gen. 12:11-13). So, they agreed to say that she was his sister. Now, this wasn’t entirely untrue, but let’s face it... half-truths are still lies. This whole thing just blows my mind, and I would certainly be curiou...

I honestly don’t mean to complain. But I found myself complaining yet again about my body. I didn’t mean to, but it keeps bouncing around my head. I was fussing to my husband about how it just doesn’t seem fair... particularly because I can’t seem to have everything I want at once. Like, I can’t just get it all together once and for all.  When I was blazing through my National Boards and rocking it at school, I felt other areas of my life slipping. I would often feel lonely and an empty longing for someone to share my life with. When I spent oodles of time preparing for and teaching fitness classes and running, weightlifting, and Crossfitting... well, by then I had a boyfriend (my now husband) and a fit body (still not perfect, but proud), but my spiritual life started slipping. Now I’m a wife and I feel like I’m growing as a Christian, but the work/life balance has become increasingly complicated, and my physical body/weight has DEFINITELY paid the price. Why won’t God just let m...