Becoming a Lifesaver: What to Do When Your Loved One is Hurting

I think people are well-meaning. At least I would like to think that. And with the statistics about mental health in 2020, you would really think more people would be educated and informed about how to be sensitive during mental, emotional, spiritual crises. Yet I find that most people who’ve not experienced these traumas first hand are inept at helping those of us in the throes of despair. 

That’s why I think people mean well, but just don’t know what to do. Most people don’t say to themselves, “I wonder what I could say to him/her that could be the final straw?  What will really make him/her finally pull the trigger?  What will make this person compound guilt upon guilt until they’re buried in shame and cannot recover?” That’s not to say that, unfortunately, there aren’t people who really try to rub it in. That breaks my heart, but it’s not my point. 

I think most people want to do better. They just don’t know how. So I compiled a list of things that either helped me or would have helped me when I was in the lowest lows of my depression. And then I thought... why should this just be my advice?  So I opened myself up and got input from others who’ve suffered too. And the remarkable thing?!  Our lists were mostly the same!  So I’m compiling and annotating all these things into a “how to” guide below for when your loved one’s heart is hurting. These are just a few suggestions, but my disclaimer is that you have to know your person. Know them well enough to know which of these will help and which will hinder. But most importantly, don’t stop trying!  Even if they reject your efforts at first.

Your presence is the greatest present.

• Just be with me.  Sit with me in my tears.  Offer a hug if both parties are comfortable with physical touch.  Often times we feel like no one wants to be near us and our pain is too great a burden for others to share.  Your presence makes us feel like we are not a pariah.
  
• Listen without judgment.  So often we sit with the intent to reply/respond without actually LISTENING to the person.  Affirm/validate their feelings, but most importantly LISTEN.
• If you cannot physically be there (or we continue to have these COVID restrictions), check in via text or other verbal "check points."  But at the same time, don't be offended if the one suffering cannot respond.  Sometimes that's overwhelming, but we do like to know others are thinking of us. Don't take it personally because it truly is NOT personal.  I've found receiving a voice text gives me the "boost" I need without the pressure of needing to talk on the phone (which terrifies me if I'm in the midst of an episode). 
  

How you communicate is key.

• I mentioned listening and being present above.  What you say and what you DON'T say are powerful during this time as well.
• Do NOT say things like, “Just don’t worry about it.” Guess what... if we could stop the worry, we would!  We don't WANT to feel this way.  (I've included an infographic below that I saved from social media this past week too for more helpful things to NOT say.)
• Be selective in sharing YOUR experiences or advice.  Not everyone's experience is the same, and a well-meant comment can bring an onslaught of guilt and shame in the wake of depression or anxiety.  Some of us do not want to hear your version of experiences in the midst of our unraveling.  Some people appear to be encouraged by it (though I wouldn't give "advice," regardless).  I think the most important factor here is to know your person.  If you're unsure, ask for permission before sharing.  It shows respect and consideration. 
  
• Reassure them that they are not wrong for what they feel.  We teach others to bottle up their emotions and to stick a pin in it. We say things like, "I just wouldn't (or won't) put up with that."  But emotions are not wrong.  God experiences a vast array of emotions and He gave them to us.  To say they're wrong would insult God.  It's what we do with them and how we use them that is crucial.
• DO NOT condemn the person for not being spiritual enough.  Even if some circumstances have been brought on by the person's own sin, be thoughtful and recognize that in the midst of the suffering might not be the most edifying time to remind them of past failures.  If your person is a victim of his/her own genetics or biology or circumstances, then certainly don't make them feel it's because they aren't praying hard enough.  My brothers and sisters who insinuated that are the ones that nearly destroyed me with guilt.
  
• If the two of you are spiritual people, offer to pray for that person, either verbally in their presence right then, or privately.  But continue to lift them up in prayer.  I couldn't calm my mind enough to pray for myself, but something about hearing someone I love say MY name before the throne of the Almighty God empowers me in ways I can't describe. 
  
• Make sure they know specifically what you treasure and appreciate about them.  Even if they don't respond or they argue with you, KEEP ON telling them! 
  
• Cards and text messages are also low pressure ways of expressing those feelings of encouragement.
  
• Use humor carefully because it can come off as belittling or flippant.  But it is good if you can find a way to bring a smile or laughter, even if it's fleeting.
  
• If you don't know what to say, just say that!  We don't expect you to fix it, but don't make it worse by saying something you didn't think through. 
  

Acts of service are intimate, but they can be game-changing. 

• Food isn't medicine, but it sure can do a heart good. I love eating with friends and family, and when they show up with food for me, I know they really care.
• On that note, one thing that would've given me time and energy to focus on my healing would have been for someone to cook for me.  I try to actively make that a part of my servanthood now because it would have alleviated so much stress for me if someone had cooked dinner for my husband and me during those worst of times.  For the life of me, I will never understand why we don't treat mental illness as seriously as we treat physical illness.  We are quick to respond with meal help plans when someone has a physical ailment, but rarely do we do the same when someone we know is suffering emotionally.
• Help with household chores can be a tricky one. You need to have that level of a relationship with the person because it could risk making him/her feel guilty for not being able to do it without the help.  If you're on that level with someone, do some laundry for them, clean their kitchen, tidy their house.  These things allow them to focus their mental energies on recovery.
  
• If your person is a mother, give her some "alone time" so she isn't simultaneously worried about her kids.  Offer to watch them at your home or theirs just so she can catch her breath for a minute.
  
• Plan an excursion for your person and don't take no for an answer.  Also, don't force them to make any of the decisions.  Plan all the details.  Remember not to take it personally if they don't show outward joy or expression of emotion.  It's not your fault and it's not a reflection of how they feel about you.  It's just where they are in their journey right now.  But getting out and about can certainly bring sunshine into someone's day.
  
• Encouraging self-care with small gifts like bath bombs, a little house plant, a journal to encourage writing for recovery.  The seemingly smallest of things can be instrumental in reminding them someone cares.
  

Encourage professional help.

• When the season of suffering is ongoing, it's important to recognize when to seek professional medical attention.
• DO NOT judge your person for reaching this point. It's BRAVE to take the reigns and seek a doctor or counselor who can help you in recovery.  Remember, they didn't choose this to happen to them!
• If you live with your person, remind them to take any medicines or keep any appointments that will be beneficial in their recovery.  Sometimes we can get distracted or forgetful, or when we get to feeling better, we think we don't need those things any more!