Inside Bell's Brain

Today I posted my #topnine2018, a collage of my most liked Instagram images of 2018. As I posted, I thought it would be a novel idea and a nice end-of-Year reflection of sorts to share the “behind the scenes” story of each one. Several of them, I have already posted their associated stories, but a recap never hurts.  The top two corners were posted at various times this year as a recap of my weight loss. The first (upper left) was after a “memory” picture from a New Orleans trip popped up in my feed. Sometimes I forget how large I used to be and how far I’ve come. I think it would do me good to reflect on this side by side more often than I do, especially when I feel stuck like I have lately. The other (upper right) was a showcase of the last time I was at the Teachers Pay Teachers conference (2015) to this year in Nashville (black shirt and rose pants). I have an hourglass now!  And I’m proud of that shape.  The top center reflects a sentiment I’ve felt for a while now a...

I’m not easy to love. I’ve never claimed to be. I’m a deeply sensitive and reflective soul. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotion. I see a thousand sides to every situation, and it takes me days or weeks to mull over things in my mind before feeling completely resolved on an issue. (And that usually requires multiple conversations with my BFFs too.) But I have passion and intensity like none other I know, and I will love more fiercely and more protectively than could ever be imagined once I break down my own walls. I am authentic to my very core, even when that authenticity shows my less than desirable traits lying right there for all to see on the very surface of my skin.  Not to beat the metaphorical dead horse here, but I have opened up about my past relationship in my last post, and the wake of that volatile relationship certainly has its place in this third lie too. Before finding myself in that relationship, I endured many years of verbal and emotional abuse as a child. No form of ab...

So many of you have reached out to me since my last post to share with me in some way how it has affected you. I’m so humbled by your courage and bravery in sharing your “lies” with me, and I’m eager to explore all our ideas together in this space.  My lie #2 is quite similar in many ways to my first. And this post is about to get as vulnerable as I’ve ever been publicly and definitely ever been online. I tend to be open about my past because it’s who I am and I have nothing to hide, but so many people (especially women) stand ready to judge and misuse your openness and vulnerabilities against you. I’m taking that risk because on the flip side, I think it’s imperative that we relate our experiences to one another to learn from each other and to keep one another from making the same mistakes (or believing the same lies). So here it goes... My Lie #2: This season will last forever.  The only constant in life is change. If that’s not true, what is?  Sometimes it changes so q...

I went back and forth about beginning the *trendy* book called Girl, Wash Your Face. It looked like it would interest me, and I had it on my proverbial wish list when I came across an article alleging some fallacies from the Christian woman’s perspective about the stances she takes in the book (which turned me off to it). My best friend too a poll and based on the responses of other Christian women, she decided to read it but purely from a secular perspective. I agreed that was a good idea and after skimming the table of contents in a friend’s copy, I decided I needed it too.  Just one Introduction and chapter in, it already had me thinking. I too have felt many of these lies in my own life, but not all of them are specific to me. So that got me to thinking... What are the lies I believe or have believed in my life?  I was able to generate a list of 10 pretty quickly and then used social media as an avenue to start collecting more lies from my friends’ perspectives. I’m...

Sometimes I can’t sort through my feelings until I write them out. The curse of the INFJ. I can’t talk it out always or it comes out a big fat jumble. But give me a pen (or my phone) and I can write (or text) it out beautifully.  Tonight my empathy is on my mind. First, let me say that I in NO WAY mean this to come off as boastful. I’m just using this as a method to wrap my mind around my own feelings tonight and perhaps say something that will help someone else who may be experiencing the same.  I’ve challenged myself to live out my blog more boldly and transparently for such a cause, so I guess this is par for the course.  I’ve always been a highly sensitive person. I have always experienced things to a hyperbolic degree almost. It hasn’t been until my 30s that I had a label for that. Something to call it. I took several personality tests and began reading on love languages and psychology and finally began making sense of myself to myself.  As a survivor of verbal/...

This week has been crazy. But I suppose that could be said for every week. It’s always just exceptionally so any time you come back from an extended time away from the classroom.  It seemed like every one needed something from me this week that I just couldn’t give. A deadline to be met. An email to be responded to. A problem to be resolved. An issue to be investigated. A situation once thought to be finished yet continuing to be a thorn in the flesh.  This calendar year has brought a lot of growth for me - personally and professionally. And I can’t help the feeling that this school year will do the same. I tell a lot of my 20-something friends that awakening into your 30s changes things. And I do think that’s true. I am a different woman now than I was then. And I’m a different woman today than I was a year ago. Maybe that’s the point... never being the same person you were yesterday, or a week ago, or a month ago, or a year ago... most definitely a decade ago. Either way, I’...

It’s hard. To be surrounded by the world’s standard of beauty all the time and yet not fall victim to it. There are so many unattainable standards of beauty in our society, and it seems they’re ever changing. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who finds it exhausting to keep up. Am I beautiful enough? Am I fit enough?  Am I soft enough? Is this big enough?  Is this small enough? Does this make me look fat?  What if I stand up?  What if I sit down? What if someone takes a candid picture and it isn’t flattering? What if my tummy has rolls when I sit down? Or lean over? Is this too tight or just fitted?  Is this too loose?  Is this too flashy?   Is my makeup perfect?  What about now? What about my hair?  Is it better up or down? Why can’t I look like her? Why is her {insert whatever insecurity} better than mine?  My head literally spirals with thoughts like this. I know objectively how far I’ve come. Forty pounds gone is no small feat. ...

I’ve had it on my mind for a while now to reapproach my blog. So many changes have happened in 2018 (and even in the recent years prior) until I am no longer the same person I once was. That’s not bad; it’s just that I’m evolving. And I think my blog needs to also. It’s also been on my mind to voluntarily be more transparent than I have been before. As I opened up on social media about my struggles with anxiety this summer, I realize that there are so many other women experiencing similar - if not the same - things, feelings, insecurities as I am. Why can’t we openly share and discuss that in order to grow together and support one another?   I’m writing this from PTP, a spiritual retreat that my home congregation hosts in Sevierville every year. It’s come to be one of my favorite times of year to regroup my spiritual life and connect with other Christians who have the same goal - to get to Heaven.  I’ve had this idea on my mind a while now, so it’s fitting that I commit it to ...

This one’s kind of lengthy and vulnerable, so here it goes... I have so many new, brave, even scary goals for this new year. 2017 was good to me, but I can’t help but feel like I often times didn’t make the most out of it. I don’t want to live a squandered life. But I also want to be mindful, vigilant, and protective of my time and energies because I’ve learned I can care for no one when I’m burnt out and used up.  This new year will hopefully hold even more exciting opportunities than last year. I’m praying God will give me wisdom and discernment to know which to pursue. It feels like so much is happening right now in my life, but I don’t want to take another step if it’s not toward God. As hard a pill as it is to swallow, I don’t want any part of anything that isn’t God’s plan for my life, even if that means I don’t get everything I want.  My one little word for 2018 is discipline. It sounds harsh, but I realized something when I was studying a few weeks ago that made m...