Renewing Myself, Redefining Myself

I’ve had it on my mind for a while now to reapproach my blog. So many changes have happened in 2018 (and even in the recent years prior) until I am no longer the same person I once was. That’s not bad; it’s just that I’m evolving. And I think my blog needs to also. It’s also been on my mind to voluntarily be more transparent than I have been before. As I opened up on social media about my struggles with anxiety this summer, I realize that there are so many other women experiencing similar - if not the same - things, feelings, insecurities as I am. Why can’t we openly share and discuss that in order to grow together and support one another?  

I’m writing this from PTP, a spiritual retreat that my home congregation hosts in Sevierville every year. It’s come to be one of my favorite times of year to regroup my spiritual life and connect with other Christians who have the same goal - to get to Heaven. 

I’ve had this idea on my mind a while now, so it’s fitting that I commit it to written word and take this journey of transparency from this very spot. 

Words of affirmation. That’s my love language. It opened up so many clarifying thoughts for me when I realized it was. I have no idea why I never realized it before or made the connection but words have always had the power to build or destroy me. It makes sense. But I personally feel a disconnect with most people. I think people speak flippantly today, and I suspect that most people don’t know how to love someone whose love language is words of affirmation. And a while back, while having an intimate conversation with one of my best gal pals, I realized something profound. 

I focus too much on the disappointment I have when others cannot sufficiently meet my love language needs. I rely on other humans to fulfill this need in me, and that couldn’t be more wrong of me. I was frustrated and praying, “Why can’t people just get me?  Why do I always feel underappreciated and unloved? Why can’t the people I love just get it enough to meet me here?” And then I realized... I’m over here complaining when God gave me every word of affirmation I ever need in His scripture. 

See, I’m not reading and studying like I should. I let the cares of the world distract me and interfere with my Christian walk. It’s not an excuse, but rather an area where I seriously need to re-evaluate and recommit. If I spent the time in His Word that I should, I wouldn’t feel the emptiness and longing for words of affirmation from other humans that I feel. I would feel completely fulfilled and sustained by God’s love letter to me. He created me, and He speaks my love language better than anyone ever could. I just am not listening by spending committed time in His Word. And that’s no one’s fault but my own.