Inside Bell's Brain

This must be the whole “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part.  We didn’t plan to get sick, and we certainly never asked for it.  We just wanted to enjoy our lives (taking appropriate precautions, of course), and like so many others, we still contracted this vile illness.  It came out of nowhere to stomp all over our season’s greetings, and it’s knocked us flat on our backs.   It feels like we’re on day 46,823 or something, but I know it’s only been just over a week now. On top of the textbook COVID stuff, I’m now experiencing the excruciating delight of a UTI *sarcasm noted* on top of the miserable aches and fatigue. Whether this was the metaphorical straw that sent me in a downward spiral or whether the confines of this quarantined Christmas abode finally wore me down, I’m not sure. But these last few days have been pure mental misery.  Dark thoughts that I had celebrated as gone crept back in and toyed with my head and heart again. Now I’m tire...

  A friend once gave me a little excerpt from a book that talked about the limitations of others. I think its message makes a good preface here. The idea was to the effect that there are people in our lives who wrong us, even those who almost near destroy us. They deny us of the love we so desperately need for one reason or another. But the point hinges on our moving forward in forgiveness and letting go because they likely loved you as much as they could. Perhaps they didn’t intentionally hurt you (perhaps they did) but they likely loved you to the extent it was possible for them to love another person. Holes and emptiness in them somehow made it impossible for them to love in a less than selfish or even narcissistic way. I accept that and have certainly seen that play out in my life on many an occasion.   But even though there is abundant truth in that, I want to reflect on something else I’ve experienced in my life.    Sometimes a parent can be “physically present...

Dear friend whose heart has been broken by “him”, I’m so proud of you. You are truly an incredible woman, and I can’t fathom the inner strength you’re summoning right now. I feel convicted to realize I wouldn’t be handling that situation with the dignity, grace, and composure you’re displaying. Admittedly, I’m envious of those remarkable qualities in you. More importantly, I have incredible respect for you.  I’m just going to put it out there. He didn’t deserve you. I know that sounds so trite, but it’s true. You only deserve the absolute best, and it’s clear by his poor choice in letting you go that he’s not the best!   But I know this reminder doesn’t take away the hurt and pain. How could it?    But it’s an important reminder nonetheless. And every day that you grow stronger, you will begin to remind yourself of these truths.  I can’t say what God has in your future. But I can say I’ve been in a similar situation to how you probably feel now. Perhaps mor...

I mentioned in a recent post about the prevailing societal standard for womanhood: martyrdom on the altar of exhaustion.  Whether we like it or not, it's true.  Whether we accept it or not, it's true.  It's not a glamorous, Hollywood-style view of femininity (although that's a huge expectation of our phsyical bodies), but it is nonetheless the prevailing standard of measuring whether a woman is keeping her value and worth.  How exhausted is she? But when did this become the norm?  Why is this even a thing?  We know that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  We know that time spent taking care of oneself isn't wasted and it certainly isn't selfish because it helps rejuvenate us to continue our servitude.  Yet somehow, we've all been suckered into believing that taking time for ourselves is selfish.  How dare we?  When there are husbands and children and aging parents and neighbors and friends and relatives to care for, how dare we take a min...

This summer I finished reading the book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living .  While I certainly don't agree with all her doctrinal statements in the book, I found it to be an overall easy and encouraging read for the discerning woman.   I have been very encouraged lately at the number of female authors I've observed who are owning their authenticity through transparency.  It's what I've always striven for, but to be honest, I felt I've been fighting the fight alone.  I recently posted the following meme to Facebook, and I find it to be incredibly true.  When you're open about your struggles, people are quick to label you: crazy, high maintenance, dramatic, needy, clingy, miserable, intense, psycho.   But when did being authentic, transparent, vulnerable, and honest become such a sin?  (Side note: I'd argue that it's not one and that the people who this really bothers aren't secure within themselves....

Monday night was hard. I saw so many teachers excited to return to school to see their students. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to see my babies again!    I’ve missed them!    It’s the fear of another year of unknown that had me (has me) burdened.  When I woke up this morning, along with many other educators locally and abroad, I joined in the tradition to post my school day prayer on social media. And I froze. I literally didn’t even know what to ask God for. Who has ever been prepared to teach in a global pandemic like we’ve had to this year? So I reflected on what would really be needful. And two big ideas came to mind: love and grace. Not just for my students and not just for my coworkers. I need love and grace for myself too!    The unprecedented circumstances of this year are going to require courage and flexibility of us. And that’s no problem because teachers always rise to the occasion. But it’s also true that we’re navigating unchartered t...

I've been in quite a state lately.  I am from time to time, to be honest, but what folks don't seem to understand is that it's not my choosing.  I try desperately hard to control my thoughts, to manifest peace and God's glory in my struggle, yet sometimes this season or this diagnosis seems to be the thorn in my flesh.  The battle to which God says, "My grace is sufficient"... because here I am still struggling.  Still fighting.  And though there have been improvements, the burden hasn't completely been lifted from me.  You see, I've learned of some people who've said some REALLY hurtful things about me behind my back.  And if we're honest here?  The childhood rhyme is bogus because sticks and stones DO break your bones AND words strike unimaginable pain in the heart of a compassionate soul.  Someone trying to be a Jesus girl.  People chattering is nothing new though. But the pain of learning they have chattered about you - or in part...