Inside Bell's Brain

  We use the phrase more flippantly than we should... "nervous breakdown".  And while it may be a contextually appropriate expression when we feel overwhelmed or stressed, it's not always a truthful statement - by definition - of the person using it.  (It's certainly not the most politically correct terminology in 2021, but I'm more into being kind and considerate as a practice than being PC.)  I've reflected A LOT on my mental health in my healing months, and I've come to the conclusion that that's what I'm going to call it.  My nervous breakdown.  It's my truth.  By definition, it includes the following symptoms ... If that doesn't describe my life over the 2019-2020 season, I don't know what will.  So I'm owning my truth and moving forward in it.  But in my recovery and reflection, I have a lot of things to say that need to be said to continue fighting against the stigma of mental health issues. You see, people throw the expressi...

This post has been a long time coming.  Maybe four or five weeks now?  I don't know because I've truly lost track.  The hopes that 2021 would be kinder to us all were rather quickly shattered with the start of yet another chaotic and stressful January.  This appears to be the "new normal" of nearly everyone I know... But I digress... every year I've *tried* to declare a word.  A word to define the hopes, dreams, motivation, and purpose of the new twelve months before me.  Each year since probably somewhere circa 2015 or so, I've chosen a word... and I've done absolutely nothing with it.  I mean, very little, if anything.  So I was skeptical to choose another word for myself and have another failed year tick by.   I had already been thinking that *if* I were to select a word for this new year, it likely needed to be something related to an issue I struggle with tremendously: trust.  As I waged that inner "will I or won't I?" struggle...

I feel defeated. It seems like every time I try to make progress (or actually make progress) that something derails me lately. I started eating better and walking again in November... then COVID hit our family. I started again on the workout track after my mom’s intense battle with COVID, only to be crushed again... this time with a kidney stone.  I’m nervous about the procedure and the anesthesia and what comes afterward as I try to pass the fragments. And I’m scared long term of not rediscovering this motivation again once the pain passes. But I’m so tired of spending my life hating what stares back at me in the mirror. I’m so exhausted with the obsession over my appearance and the guilt, shame, and depression it brings me.  I recently polled on Facebook whether an overweight/chubby woman could still be attractive.  Sixty-two women commented in the affirmative. But it still makes me wonder if it’s true or if we just tell ourselves that. If we can tell other women that b...

Growth isn’t linear. It never has been. Yet sometimes it feels like others expect more of us than is reasonable to give. Sometimes it seems the height of “arriving” to your finish line is just elusive enough to make you feel crazy. I HATE that feeling. Of questioning whether the progress and growth you feel is real or imagined. Of knowing you’re improving but constantly being challenged and second-guessing yourself because of it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve written any poetry, but I took to that medium tonight to empty my heart out.  ❤️  I’m sharing to be brave. I shared my pain so freely, and I need to continue to share the growth journey equally so. Here it goes...  What’s left to do when you’ve run out of “try” When you’ve given until empty and can’t even cry  When you’re broken, discouraged, and never enough Out of hope and weary with things getting worse Knocked off track when you thought you were fine Devastated to learn you weren’t towing the line...