The Year I Almost Didn’t Make It
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I was working on this post before I even knew this, but...
I’ve debated a lot about this post. But it feels like something I need to speak out about. I mentioned a few posts back that things were about to get serious and head in a different direction, and I think (and hope) the time is right because people need to hear it and heed it. There still exists such a stigma about mental health in our society, and we've got to take it seriously before it's too late for those we love who are still fighting the battle. It takes a lot of courage to be this open, but I want to share it because it could very well give someone the push they need to get the help they deserve.
I literally had everything I ever wanted. I had lost weight and was proud of the achievements I'd made in my body (before all this took its toll on me anyway). I had a job I was passionate about and had just earned my National Board Certification -- the pinnacle of achievement for an educator, in my mind. After a decade or more of singleness, I was dating and eventually engaged to a wonderful Christian man. And it still didn't stop it from happening. That's the first misconception we have to fight... mental illness doesn't discriminate. You can be living a fairy tale life, and it can knock all the winds from your sails. In fact, it probably even made the guilt factor so much worse because how in the world could I be so depressed when I had, by my own standards, the perfect life? Everything I'd always dreamed of? But true mental health issues -- the kinds that are lasting and need the highest caliber of treatment -- are not merely situational. And I resented those around me for thinking and implying so. (I'm not saying that they aren't situational at all, but that they're not ONLY situational, so please don't misunderstand.)
Of course, that doesn't mean that there weren't also private stressors in my life that are better left private. Everyone has those too. But sometimes those triggers are the metaphorical icing on the cake. And because of their private nature, they make you feel even more isolated and desperate because you have nowhere to turn.
If I'm straightforward and honest... yes, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought about it a lot actually. But people really tend to get weird and judgmental if you open up about that. I wanted the pain, despair, and emptiness to end. At the same time, there were fleeting moments of joy woven throughout that would give me hope in glimpses of what my life could be... and that’s another misconception we have to fight. Someone battling depression doesn’t openly wear a scowl on her face to let you know she’s suffering at all times. The images and the life you see might be a facade, or it might just capture one of those happy moments strung throughout the journey. I saw no stop to the sadness though, and for the longest time, it felt like nothing I did or tried to do gave me any glimmer of hope that I was actually improving. And yet, I was still expected to be 100% my old “normal” self and shake it off. We've really got to examine where we are as a society when a person who is suffering so greatly that they contemplate taking their lives is not given the same appreciation and respect as someone dealing with any other illness. We do so well to support those with other terminal illnesses, but isn't suicide by it’s very definition terminal too... ? Just because we can't "see" it, or we can't understand it if we haven't experienced it, doesn't negate its reality.
So now that you know... it's really hard to say these things, by the way... it's no wonder I've been in the shape I've been in. I'm still healing every day, and there are still a lot of bad days. But I cannot sit idly by and keep quiet about what I know to be true in my own fight against the burden of mental illness. I have to use my experiences to bring good out of them, especially good for other people who may be in the same situation. I have (what I hope will be) a word of encouragement for those who are still fighting.
Wherever you or your loved one might be in the journey, just keep seeking. Some days even now are not good days. For example, this quarantine has definitely been helpful in many ways during my recovery, but it has also stretched the capacities of managing my anxiety well past what I think I'm capable of handling. And I've learned recovering from mental health issues is never a linear process. But it hasn't been until recently that I've learned (with the influence of all these factors) that I deserve to offer myself grace & mercy for something that happened TO me... something I didn't choose... something that I wish I could just wish away. I hope my openness and advocacy for those still struggling with me will be met with positivity and appreciation. Please don't give up, but whatever you do... just keep seeking.
I’ve debated a lot about this post. But it feels like something I need to speak out about. I mentioned a few posts back that things were about to get serious and head in a different direction, and I think (and hope) the time is right because people need to hear it and heed it. There still exists such a stigma about mental health in our society, and we've got to take it seriously before it's too late for those we love who are still fighting the battle. It takes a lot of courage to be this open, but I want to share it because it could very well give someone the push they need to get the help they deserve.
I literally had everything I ever wanted. I had lost weight and was proud of the achievements I'd made in my body (before all this took its toll on me anyway). I had a job I was passionate about and had just earned my National Board Certification -- the pinnacle of achievement for an educator, in my mind. After a decade or more of singleness, I was dating and eventually engaged to a wonderful Christian man. And it still didn't stop it from happening. That's the first misconception we have to fight... mental illness doesn't discriminate. You can be living a fairy tale life, and it can knock all the winds from your sails. In fact, it probably even made the guilt factor so much worse because how in the world could I be so depressed when I had, by my own standards, the perfect life? Everything I'd always dreamed of? But true mental health issues -- the kinds that are lasting and need the highest caliber of treatment -- are not merely situational. And I resented those around me for thinking and implying so. (I'm not saying that they aren't situational at all, but that they're not ONLY situational, so please don't misunderstand.)
Of course, that doesn't mean that there weren't also private stressors in my life that are better left private. Everyone has those too. But sometimes those triggers are the metaphorical icing on the cake. And because of their private nature, they make you feel even more isolated and desperate because you have nowhere to turn.
If I'm straightforward and honest... yes, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought about it a lot actually. But people really tend to get weird and judgmental if you open up about that. I wanted the pain, despair, and emptiness to end. At the same time, there were fleeting moments of joy woven throughout that would give me hope in glimpses of what my life could be... and that’s another misconception we have to fight. Someone battling depression doesn’t openly wear a scowl on her face to let you know she’s suffering at all times. The images and the life you see might be a facade, or it might just capture one of those happy moments strung throughout the journey. I saw no stop to the sadness though, and for the longest time, it felt like nothing I did or tried to do gave me any glimmer of hope that I was actually improving. And yet, I was still expected to be 100% my old “normal” self and shake it off. We've really got to examine where we are as a society when a person who is suffering so greatly that they contemplate taking their lives is not given the same appreciation and respect as someone dealing with any other illness. We do so well to support those with other terminal illnesses, but isn't suicide by it’s very definition terminal too... ? Just because we can't "see" it, or we can't understand it if we haven't experienced it, doesn't negate its reality.
So now that you know... it's really hard to say these things, by the way... it's no wonder I've been in the shape I've been in. I'm still healing every day, and there are still a lot of bad days. But I cannot sit idly by and keep quiet about what I know to be true in my own fight against the burden of mental illness. I have to use my experiences to bring good out of them, especially good for other people who may be in the same situation. I have (what I hope will be) a word of encouragement for those who are still fighting.
Seek.
If you're in this fight, you've got to seek. Let me offer some clarification about exactly what to seek. I truly believe these things have saved my life thus far.Seek support.
Find your people. Do you know who they are? If you don't, then you need to seek them faster. I mean the ones who you can call in the middle of the night. Or the ones who respect when you don't want to talk but had rather text how you feel. These are the ones who will cook dinner and bring to your house because they know that you're exhausted from fighting against your own mind all day. (Something I often thought was, “why are there not meal trains for people suffering this way?”) These are the friends and family who won't tell you all the trite garbage that most people offer when a friend is battling depression. Don't listen to it. I heard it all, and unfortunately it only seemed to confirm all the terrible things I thought about myself, so I believed it and it only made me worse. It's honestly the last thing in the world you need to hear that you're "not praying enough" or that you're "not studying enough" or that you "need to just push through, it'll pass." Someone once told me that not everyone deserves backstage access to your life, and that this also changes over time. If someone you once thought was “your person” creates more stress and trauma in doing some of these things, it’s okay to put boundaries on that friendship that haven’t existed before. If nothing else, find the people who will pray for you.
You also need to seek a strong counselor or mental health professional that will help you through the process.
Seek resources.
I am a self-proclaimed nerd and proud of it. I’m super analytical and that has also created a huge complication in my healing because I can’t leave well enough alone sometimes. But I have found some useful things in my quest to “just understand it all and then I can make it go away”. Here are some of my favorites that have truly impacted me.
Seek testing.
Upon the recommendation of a long-time friend, I sought counsel with a mental health professional who offered genetic testing. While I understand that this may not be financially feasible for everyone, I am quite thankful that our insurance covered most of the cost. I knew nothing about it until my friend recommended it to me. With a simple swab of a Q-tip, I was able to send my DNA to be tested to determine what medicines would be most compatible with my body and what other underlying issues there may be. Through this process, we learned that I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR mutation) that doesn't allow my body to produce the folic acid I need to get my antidepressants across the blood-brain barrier. I had been taken medication that was of no use to me because it was never "reaching" the part of my brain that it needed to stimulate! It was a relief to know I wasn't crazy or without hope and that it was something that could be affected by taking methylated folate with my medications. I only regret not knowing about it sooner because I would've saved precious time and energy on the "trial and error" method most general practitioners employ to find the right mental health medicines. (This isn't an insult against any GP, but sometimes situations call for more specialized expertise. My situation was definitely one of those situations.) After seeing its impact first hand, my husband and I both agree that this should actually be a foundational step in the mental health recovery process, but again, we still have a long way to go in our society to support those in the struggle.Wherever you or your loved one might be in the journey, just keep seeking. Some days even now are not good days. For example, this quarantine has definitely been helpful in many ways during my recovery, but it has also stretched the capacities of managing my anxiety well past what I think I'm capable of handling. And I've learned recovering from mental health issues is never a linear process. But it hasn't been until recently that I've learned (with the influence of all these factors) that I deserve to offer myself grace & mercy for something that happened TO me... something I didn't choose... something that I wish I could just wish away. I hope my openness and advocacy for those still struggling with me will be met with positivity and appreciation. Please don't give up, but whatever you do... just keep seeking.
Beautifully stated
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