Was I Enough?

I’m sharing this post here.  These were my thoughts I shared via Facebook when our governor announced we would not be returning to school this year. The first picture below I took as I walked out of my classroom on that last day at dismissal... I just had this eerie feeling that’s what would happen. The second image is one I saw just this week & borrowed from another ESL teacher online, and I found it particularly fitting for the complex emotions I’ve experienced in this quarantine. 

This certainly hasn’t been my year. More ongoing health problems than I’ve ever imagined possible for one person. Moving addresses... twice technically. Adjusting to a new role as a wife. Trying to stay afloat. Changes to my body and personality I didn’t understand. Constantly feeling like a disappointment to those around me because I just haven’t been at the caliber I’ve always demanded of myself. Unable to remember the small things, things I had always been able to juggle in my ever-active mindspace.

I have talked to MANY seasoned teachers, and several have told me that no two years are alike and some years, you just do the best you can and that’s all you can do. That was this year for me... But then this. I never imagined this. This was not how this year was supposed to end. There were so many more things I had to do for my babies. And so many things left to teach them.

I don’t understand. I want to though. I feel so many things right now that I can’t quite sort through. What does this mean? How does my role change now? Will I be able to give them everything they need digitally? Can I translate everything that needs translation? Can I support their families and still be there like I have in the past? Will they be safe? Are their families safe? Do they have everything they need? Are they sick? What about their relatives in their home countries? Are they in danger of the virus? I have so many questions and I just can’t turn them off in my head.

I know there was no way to know this would happen, but this year, in the time we had, I hope I loved them enough. I hope I told them enough how special and cool and amazing and smart they are. I hope I gave them enough hugs. And I hope I told them “I love you” enough. Mostly, I guess, I just hope this year that I was enough.